Whelp… I’ve determined what it is about my roommate that truly gets on my nerves. It isn’t his constant top-of-his-lungs singing. It isn’t his use of my computer. It isn’t the disagreements we’ve had over the light being on/off, where the bunk bed is placed, or whether the blinds should be open or closed at night.

The true source of my frustration is our discussions. We’ve had several heated debates so far this semester — he blames the “heated” part on me, and maybe he’s right (I get kind of combative) — and I really don’t enjoy them. Don’t get me wrong: I enjoy a good debate, and I love a peaceful discussion, but these have been neither. They begin with a simple conversation, usually about a subject I’m emotionally invested in, such as the woman I’m dating and my potential relationship with her. He then asks me a question, usually regarding a philosophy or ethic dealing with the subject of the current conversation.

I answer the question, he disagrees, and we’re off. Here’s what frustrates me about these “discussions”:

• he contradicts himself,
• he brings up examples and makes statements which have nothing to do with what we’re talking about, and
• in the end his opinion has been the same as mine all along.

The third point really gets my goat. You mean I’ve spent the last half hour (or longer) rationalizing, coming up with examples, explaining myself, pointing out flaws in his logic, and getting *steamed* for nothing?!

I do understand that I have some character flaws which contribute most of the frustration. Among them:

• A short fuse in disagreements.
• A prideful desire to not only be right, but to prove it to everyone else.
• A wrong expectation that everyone will/should communicate and think as I do.

Wow. Now that I see that list… maybe it’s entirely my fault that I get frustrated. But… he can definitely fuel my frustrations. That’s for sure.

However, as it turns out, the very things that he does in our discussions that fuel my frustration are due to the fact that English isn’t his first language. He says things that mean a certain thing to me while meaning something else, expecting me to understand the unspoken intention of the words. Some examples:

• When I state something, and he says, “No,” then makes his own statement.
  • Translation: apparently, to him this is how you agree with someone and make an additional statement.
  • This is where the “disagreement” begins… although I now know that he never disagreed with me at all!
• When I state something after we’ve been in the “disagreement” for a while, and he says, “That’s my point!” even though he’s never said anything like what I just said anywhere in the course of the discussion.
  • Translation: what he meant was, “that supports my point” or “I agree with that point.”
  • This gets to me because he makes it appear that this was what he meant all along, although he never said anything about it.

Well, if I’m going to be honest with myself, I have a few conclusions that I need to make:

• I am the source of my own frustration.
• I need to invest less in being right and humble myself.
• I need to be more patient.
• I need to understand the communication skills of others.
• I need to take a deep breath and calm down.
• I need to ask more questions and make fewer assumptions.

Lord, please help me to relate better with my roommate. Help me to be patient and humble when communicating with others. Help me to be more understanding… develop your wisdom in me.

I found an old blog I kept when I was at PBC as a freshman. So much of what I wrote still meant something to me that I moved all of its posts to this blog. They aren’t difficult to differentiate: anything before 2008 is from the older blog.

Don’t be surprised if I reflect on some of the older posts as I go through them and read about who I was and what I was thinking two years ago.

So my brother preached tonight at our youth service. It was a great message, and it was definitely from the Lord. I’m so proud of my big little brother! After he gave the word, there was an opportunity to spend some time in prayer. I chose to go to the altar to ask God to teach me to love people like He loves me. A huge request, I know. But I’m such an imperfect person, I figure God will probably answer that prayer gradually over time. So I ought to continue to pray for that love.

After that, we took some time to pray for one another. I prayed for a friend and classmate of mine, then my brother prayed for me. I am so grateful for his prayer! I won’t share its subject — it was rather personal — but I’m glad to have such a great brother.

Well, time to hit the hay if I really want to get more sleep. Two days out of seven I have a class that starts at 7:30– Tuesdays and Wednesdays.

I am rather excited for my early class tomorrow, though. Curriculum writing! I don’t know what the lesson will contain tomorrow, but I can’t wait to get into the actual project of *writing* curriculum. I’m assigned to write the parents’ pages for the 4-6 age group.

That should be interesting, considering I have a strong conviction that parents need to *partner* with the church in the spiritual growth and education of their children. Many parents today do nothing to teach their children about God or even fundamental spiritual truths. The worst don’t even show their children a good example. They just expect the Sunday school and children’s church teachers to provide all that they need in that area in one to two hours each week. How ridiculous is that?!

O-o-okay… I think it’s time to end the rant and actually go to bed, so I can shower and eat before class tomorrow. It’s not good to be late to something you’re passionate about!

I have been tired all day. I probably shouldn’t have stayed up late reading Retribution. I really don’t know when I fell asleep, though. I chose to ignore the clock the whole time I was reading– for some reason knowing what time it was seemed like it would make it worse. Maybe it would have… I could’ve fallen asleep in class! Lord, I thank you that I’m as awake as I am.

So. Classes are back in session. And I haven’t written a thing for over a month. Where do I begin?

Christmas was awesome, New Year’s rocked, and I got car. Does that cover the Christmas break pretty well? Probably not, so I give some details. I spent the week before Christmas on my mom’s couch. During that week, my dad gave me a car. It’s a Mitsubishi Galant with only a few things wrong with it. Christmas Eve, I went to a morning service at the church I grew up in. It was good: I got to see some people I hadn’t seen in over a year. That evening, I went to my youth pastor’s house to give and receive gifts. That was really fun! I really enjoyed giving the gifts I had found for people. At about 1:30 or 2:00 in the morning, I headed back to my parents’ house for the night. Christmas morning was good, especially since my dad was able to be there. After a few more days, I went back to the dorm. New Year’s Eve, I spent the night at my youth pastor’s after a “party” that his family held. New Year’s Day, I drove up to my great-aunt and -uncle’s house in Castle Rock after church. We have a family gathering there every year on that day, but, for some reason, I was the only member of my immediate family who was there. I had a lot of good fun with family I don’t see very often!

Well, I think that’s all the time I have for today. Maybe next time, I’ll actually get to talking about my new classes.

Break. Five weeks of it. ::sigh::

Feels good, really. This is the first Sunday in a long time that I haven’t had a nagging feeling either that I’ve got homework that I’m putting off or that I’ve forgotten about some test or assignment on Monday. It’s bittersweet, though. I’ve got five weeks without insights from Glenda, Larry, or Lanny. I’ve got five weeks without Friday chapel services. I’ve got five weeks of full-time (or close to it) work. And I still don’t have a car!

Oh, well. Most everything in life has positive and negative aspects. You deal with the negative and take joy in the positive. I’m going to move forward in life during this break, instead of letting it be a total shut-down period. I want to spend time growing closer to God, spending more time in His Word and in prayer. I want to practice playing the guitar. I want to earn money for next semester and get a car. Just keep moving forward. I’m not going to put life on hold and call it resting; I’m going to keep moving forward. Perhaps I will have some chances to spend time with my pastor. He said he’d love to mentor me and be a father-figure. It would be awesome to be able to spend some time like that, letting God use people around me to shape my character.

Well, I’ve eaten turkey soup, and I think the tryptophan is setting in, so I’m going to do something slightly more active than typing at a computer to keep from falling asleep. What am I going to do? I don’t know… I’ll figure something out. Maybe I’ll take a walk.

Lord, help me to use my time during this break wisely. I want to draw closer to you during this time. Continue to shape me for the calling you have given me. I give myself to you fully; please help me to live fully for you and not for myself.

At today’s chapel service, someone gave a word from the Lord about dreaming. He said that dreams should be impossible. Possible dreams aren’t dreams, he said, they’re plans. Dream barbaric, uncivilized. During the worship after the word was given, God spoke to me. He said: Don’t settle for what you’re good at. I’ve called you to more than that. Though these things seem impossible to you, nothing is impossible to Me. This is what I have for you, and no less.

Maybe this seems like a general word to you. Something that should be applied to everyone’s dreams: dream for more than you expect, reach for things you can’t attain alone. Encouragements to not limit God like the man gave to everyone in chapel. But this was different.

Lately, I’ve debated in my mind a thought that had come to me before. I am now convinced that it was a God-thought. Out of no-where, I had thought about the possibility of a certain ministry that I had never considered before. I pushed it aside immediately: that’s not the kind of person I am, my leadership has never noticed the qualities needed for that ministry in me, that’s not what I’m good at, I’ve never done that sort of thing before, that’s what so-and-so is good at, not me. I had so many excuses why the thought couldn’t be true. It is impossible!

It was that thought that God was addressing when He spoke to me. I always told people that I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life, that I would just do whatever God lead me to do. I didn’t even know why I was supposed to come to PBC, but I knew God wanted me here and that no matter what I do, it will have been worth it. However, in the back of my mind, I figured I’d spend my life doing what I’m good at. I figured that I’d live a life of being the guy behind the computer, the guy who figured out the numbers and wrote the words. I saw myself as being an assistant to other people. But God said not to settle for what I’m good at. My talents and abilities do not decide my calling, God does. And that God-thought was an attempt to yank me out of the “calling” I had designed for myself. The result of that God-thought looks impossible to me; it is impossible! But my God is a god of impossibilities. And I am putting my faith in Him.

Dear Lord, carry me forward in preparation for this calling. Help me to accept Your plans for me, and acknowledge Your Lordship. Develop in me the character, knowledge, abilities, and wisdom that You desire for me in this calling. Thank you for speaking to me and for showing me a glimpse of Your plans for me. Amen.

To be a regular. What an awesome thing! It’s like something of the past, that only a few people still experience.

This morning, my brother and I stopped at a diner for breakfast before heading to class. It had a great atmosphere, with a single cook and a single waitress. We chose to sit at the bar, and the waitress got us our menus right away. The food was nearly as fast as “fast food,” yet it was less expensive and it tasted better. As we were nearing the end of our meal, the waitress announced to one of the other customers at the bar, “Hey, Bill. Mike says hi. He’s the one who comes in on Wednesdays with Fred.” I know the names aren’t correct, but that’s essentially what she told him. Someday, I want to be a regular at a little diner. That’d be so cool!

I guess in a way I already am a regular. Just not at a diner. Tonight, on my way home from work, I fell asleep a few blocks from my bus stop. When I woke up later down the road, the driver saw me stand up and said, “Oh, I didn’t see you there! I looked around in my mirror to see if you were on when I got close to your stop, but I didn’t see you.” He proceeded to give me advice on where to get off to wait under a shelter for the bus going the opposite direction. He said that it would only be a few minutes until the bus would come around the corner. I did as he said, and he was right: about two minutes after getting under the shelter, the bus going the opposite direction appeared. It’s great to know that someone who is just doing their job cares enough to get to know his customers and help them out when they need it. Last time I rode his bus, I talked about the college I attended and my plans. Today he decided that I really am a “poor college student” when he heard that I have a hole-y shoe. Being a regular, I suppose is about relationships. Most people are satisfied to be served by total strangers in every store, restaurant, and public service. However, I Enjoy forming relationships with everyone I come in contact with. I would love to be a “regular” in several restaurants and stores in my hometown, developing relationships that God can use. Relationships that God can minister through me in. And that is the most important thing.

Lord, help me to develop meaningful relationships that you can use. Direct me in the things I say and do so that you can minister in the lives around me through those relationships.

Well, I had a good Thanksgiving weekend. Lots of family, lots of friends, lots of food, lots of… homework? Unfortunately, although I did have some relaxing times with friends and family, I never actually got any naps in. Even after eating the turkey feast! Any time I wasn’t spending with others, I was working on that essay. Or some reading for an essay that’s coming up. Or some late reading. So, yesterday, the Monday after a four-day holiday weekend, I felt like I was ready for another weekend. Good news is that we have only two weeks left of classes, then five weeks of break! I’m gonna need to get more hours out of my job, but I’ll still have more time on my hands. I have a feeling I will miss my classes, though. In fact, I’m already anxious to get into next semester’s classes. Ah well, take each day as it comes.

Which reminds me, where is my brother? I did tell him that I’d be here in the library… I thought he’d want to get out of here soon. He must still be talking to Lanny. Well, I’d better get to that reading for the Passions and Values class. The summary is due Thursday and I’m only half done with the book. I’m off!